Gay Couples Therapy

in Midtown, NYC and Southbury, CT

Have You And Your Partner Been Feeling Stuck?

Do you feel like you just can’t get through to each other, no matter how hard you try? Has your relationship become complicated by:

Defensive behaviors and accusatory language?
An inability to express emotions without stirring up fights?
Arguments that go in circles and never reach a resolution?

Maybe you’re not used to being in relationships that require emotional vulnerability, and it’s made communication with your partner difficult. Perhaps there’s been a betrayal or a rupture of some sort, and neither of you know how to confront it in a healthy way. You find yourselves dancing around hard topics with humor, sarcasm, and other defenses. As a result, maybe you’re thinking it would help to talk to a therapist who specializes in working with gay couples.

As A Gay Man, You May Feel Like Other People Don’t Understand Your Relationship Struggles

Relationships are deeply rewarding yet often complicated experiences. While there are universal dynamics that apply to all relationships, there are also unique dynamics within gay relationships that other people—including many couples counselors—may not understand.

For example, you and your partner may be struggling to navigate polyamory or talking about opening up your relationship for the first time. Or perhaps your own coming-out journey has taught you to be overly independent and autonomous, and that’s created friction in a relationship that requires letting another person become part of your life.

Ever since I completed my training as a therapist in 2000, I’ve specialized in helping gay couples work through their relationship issues and become better lovers, partners, and friends. Whether you’re dealing with infidelity, conflicting values, or difficulties with polyamory, I’m confident that I can help you and your partner deepen your relationship and enrich each other’s lives.

We Are Wired For Intimacy, Yet We Are Often Taught To Avoid It

It’s human nature to crave connection and intimacy. Yet in our society today, many gay men learn to function in a way that’s at odds with that. The coming-out process is often a very lonely one—many people go through their entire upbringings without telling anyone about their sexuality. Naturally, the byproduct of such a life is hyper independence and a mentality of “I’ll have to make it on my own.”

This independence is not to be looked down on, since it’s simply a survival mechanism, a way of staying afloat in a challenging world. Yet when it comes to relationships, it can quickly lead to problems. Relationships require vulnerability. They ask that we put aside our defenses and allow someone else to see all our flaws, insecurities, and hidden jealousies. Such an act is not easy for those who’ve been raised to live in survival mode.

Gay Relationships Can Be Incredibly Life-Giving—But They Can Also Be Lonely

There’s often a lack of legitimacy surrounding gay relationships in our society. Not only is there little representation in the culture at large, but many families don’t accept or acknowledge gay relationships. It’s very rare to find a gay couple with two families who love and support them. As a result, many gay couples feel like they’re going it alone, having to navigate uncharted waters without a map.

This is one of many reasons why it’s so important for couples in the LGBTQIA+ community to have someone who can guide them—someone who understands their challenges on a personal level and is professionally trained to deal with the complexities of their relationships.

Therapy Can Help Gay Couples Connect In A More Meaningful Way

Being our partner’s closest ally, emotional support, sexual companion, and partner in the mundane of life is a constant balancing act requiring compromise and negotiation. We’re all prone to try to fix things for the ones we love, but oftentimes, what our partners truly crave is to be heard, understood, and validated. Similarly, we are all guilty of assuming our partners know what we need—and then responding in anger when it becomes clear they don’t.

Counseling is a chance for you and your partner to set aside these expectations and approach each other with humility and openness. It’s a thoughtful, informed, and non-judgmental examination of your lives and all the experiences that have shaped who you are.

My approach is psychodynamic, culturally competent, and gay-affirmative. I provide therapy for gay couples from all walks of life, including those who are navigating polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, and other unique relationship structures.

What To Expect In Gay Couples Counseling Sessions

In the beginning, I will meet with you and your partner together so that I can get to know you and learn about your relationship struggles. Although most of counseling will involve the three of us, I will hold individual sessions with each of you separately so that I can understand your individual stories, traumas, and attachment styles.

Ultimately, what we work on in couples counseling is up to you—we can focus on improving communication, repairing ruptures and betrayals, deepening intimacy, or even navigating finances and other mundane issues. Some of the main approaches I utilize include:

Imago Therapy—A dialogue-based strategy for mitigating conflict, understanding emotional needs, and fostering empathetic listening
Psychodynamic Therapy—A systemic approach to understanding your individual history and psychology so that we can have a clearer context for your relationship challenges
Schema Therapy—An evidence-based, collaborative approach that helps you and your partner explore the narratives, or “schemas,” that have shaped each other’s lives

Through my comprehensive, gay-affirmative framework, I’m confident that I can help you and your partner feel seen, understood, and accepted in a way that wasn’t possible earlier in life. After all, loneliness is a pandemic among gay men—so many of us grow up without anyone to turn to and lean on in times of need. That’s why I’m so passionate about helping gay couples build more meaningful, rewarding, and connected lives together.

You May Have Some Questions About Gay Marriage Therapy…

I have been working with gay men since I finished my therapeutic training in 2000. So even though everyone’s experiences are unique, I’ve been doing this work for over a quarter of a century now and I understand the common pitfalls gay couples encounter. I know how to account for cultural variables and provide the legitimacy that gay relationships are often missing. I also recognize that many therapists unknowingly bring a heteronormative framework to couples therapy, which is why my approach is non-traditional and gay-affirmative.
The neutrality of a couples counselor is paramount. As your therapist, it’s my goal to foster an open dialogue where both of you feel safe expressing your emotions and being vulnerable with each other. At times, particularly when there’s gaslighting or deception or a partner is unable to speak up, I may intervene in a way that disarms the initiator, but I will always approach sessions from an unbiased and non-judgmental standpoint.
Yes, I have. Open relationships are layered and complex in ways that monogamous relationships aren’t. Oftentimes, gay men pursue open relationships out of a fear of deeper intimacy; other times, they do so because open relationships genuinely suit their attachment styles best. I am ultimately not the arbiter of what’s best for you and your partner, but I can give you the space to figure that out together.

Become Each Other’s Closest Allies

Whether you’re trying to navigate polyamory, learn new communication skills, or figure out your future together, I encourage you and your significant other to pursue gay couples therapy with me. To get started, you can use the contact form to book a free 15-minute consultation. I look forward to working with you!

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